Real Talk w/Terry

The Perfect Pursuit

By Marshelle Coleman

I’m certain that I am not the only one that has heard the statement, “if you want to find a good man, you need to write a descriptive list of what you want.”  And although that sounds great, over time I have learned that this is not 100% true.  Now, admittedly, I have written lists (emphasis on lists), and yes, the end result was music to my ears when I read it out loud.  You know what I’m talking about:

1. Green eyes
2. 6’0″ tall
3. Clean cut
4. A good guy with a thug side
5. MUST have his own car
6. MUST have a job
7. MUST have ALL his teeth (and they need to be white).

List-2Ha-ha-ha, that seems ridiculously funny and shallow, right? Well believe it or not, at one time those were important factors that I wanted in a man.  Now granted, I was younger at that time, but that was still a part of my list.  However, as time and experience occurred, I changed and that caused my desires in a man to change. So, of course I’d go through the process of rewriting my once “so perfect list” to describe “the NEW perfect man” for me.  Let’s just say I needed an UPGRADE.

Well, after a lot of brainstorming and wasted paper, I finally gained some wisdom. I realized that I’d rather take my chances of writing a platinum hit song than having to write the “perfect list” that would describe “the perfect man” to fit the person who I was now and the woman that I would become later.  So, instead of focusing my energy (in this particular area of my life) on him, I started to redirect that energy on myself.  What do I mean? I mean that my list now states who I am, what I have to offer, and the traits that I would like to have.  This change in focus has truly added value to my life in so many ways.  How? For starters, I no longer have the “hunt mentality” draining all my energy and robbing me of my rightful role as a woman.  It has allowed me to focus on the pursuit of making me better and I am able to have healthy platonic relationships with men, because I’m not over evaluating everything they say or do, to determine whether or not they are “the one”.  Besides, now I know that if a man wants you, he should be willing to pursue you. Real talk!

Think about it! From the beginning men were created to dominate and perform labor to maintain their possession.  They were also wired to find enjoyment in the work they do. On the other hand, women were made to bring men balance by simply being and naturally becoming the fullness of “why” they were created.  That is why when God acknowledged Adams loneliness, He then created a woman as the solution.  So, while Adam was running things in a perfect creation and living out the reasons for his existence, he recognized that there was one very important element missing from his life. Yes, that’s right, his woman!  Now let that simmer….

In short, set standards for yourself and live them out, instead of writing out a list hoping for someone to add value to your life that you yourself don’t already have before they show up on the scene. Yes, you will get some hopeful pursuers not providing what you are offering, but since you’ll understand who you are, it will allow you to better identify those types a lot easier to save you time – and keep it moving! But ultimately you will eventually attract the right one of similar character, drive, and desire.

Close-Up Portrait of a Stressed African-American Woman

Another good thing about this change of approach is that it can enhance your relational lifestyle across the board.  So try it!  Write “The List” for yourself.  What can you offer in relationships? What do you want to offer in relationships?  Make sure you are honest with yourself and do not hold back the truth.

And please don’t get it twisted! This topical post isn’t promoting that women don’t need a man. In fact, I more than understand the necessity of a man and see the specific value men have in life. But more importantly, I am encouraging not just wanting a good man, but becoming the type of woman a good man wants!


Marshelle Coleman is a native of Phoenix, Arizona, and has composed many forms of written works over the past (10) ten years such as: poetry, song writing, and short stories. Through her gift of writing, Marshelle has been given the opportunity to share her thoughts in the spoken word format on many platforms such as, conferences, open mics, pageants, concerts, church events, charity functions, awareness campaigns, and more. As the founder and owner of  HeArt Entertainment LLC, a small arts and entertainment company and Wifey Coulture, a ladies brand and network based out of Arizona, Marshelle has hosted various events and workshops to positively contribute to her surrounding community.  Through all her endeavors, Marshelle’s overall goal is to live out the tagline for her ladies brand, which is “Dream big, pursue hard, and inspire many.”

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