Real Talk w/Terry

…A CONTINUATION

This post is a continuation from my last blog discussion regarding porn and sex addiction. Let me first clarify that my last blog post was not about me personally, but of someone I know. After speaking with a friend who stated that her husband was addicted to internet porn sites, I felt led to research then post about sex and porn addiction. After publishing my last blog post, I soon learned that some form of sex addiction is an issue for many couples. I received many private inbox and email messages, in addition to phone calls about this particular blog; which has been quite an eye opener for me.

As a result, I feel compelled to continue the discussion and take an examination of masturbation and what the bible says about masturbation. The bible does not directly say anything about masturbation, the Word does say in Hebrews 13:4 (KJV) “Marriage is honorable in all, and the bed undefiled: but whoremongers and adulterers God will judge” and 1 Corinthians 6:18 (NIV) says, “Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a person commits are outside the body, but whoever sins sexually, sins against their own body.”

The modern definition of masturbation is sexual self-gratification. An examination of an early definition of masturbation is to manually defile oneself. To manually defile oneself is to make unclean, or dirty, to debase, to make foul or pollute. Based on the earlier definition of masturbation, the fact that one is defiling oneself is definitely clearer. And based on this definition masturbation is contrary to what the Word of God says. The world system has taught us that masturbation is harmless, however, as Christians and concerning marriage we do not operate by the world system when it is contrary to what the Word of God says.

1 Thessalonians 4:3-5 (NIV) says, “It is God’s will that you should be sanctified: that you should avoid sexual immorality; that each of you should learn to control your own body in a way that is holy and honorable, not in passionate lust like the pagans, who do not know God;”

The same verse in the Amplified Bible (AMP) reads, “It is God’s will that you should be sanctified: that you should avoid sexual immorality; that each of you should learn to control your own body in a way that is holy and honorable, not in passionate lust like the pagans, who do not know God;”

“MY HUSBAND IS ADDICTED TO PORN!”

ImageThe topic of “porn” can be a difficult and embarrassing one to discuss in a marriage. My research of porn addiction and its affect on marriages was interesting to say the least.

 

First of all, the definition of pornography is defined as obscene writings, drawings, photographs, or the like, especially those having little or no artistic merit. The World English dictionary further defines pornography as writings, pictures, films, etc, designed to stimulate sexual excitement; or the production of such material.

 

Former on-line therapist, Dr. Mark Goulson contends that there are two kinds of sex: 1) sex with love and 2) sex just for sex’s sake. He further asserts that many husbands feel guilty about having sex just for sex’s sake with their wives, because they feel like they are using her as a thing versus making love to the person they love. Therefore, instead of using their wife as a thing, some men use pornography and masturbation to fulfill that need. His stance is that pornography and masturbation in moderation have probably saved more marriages than they have hurt.

 

Say what! Yes Dr. Goulson said it, “pornography and masturbation in moderation have probably saved more marriages than they have hurt. Many wives would probably disagree with Dr. Goulson, however he asserts that an orgasm is a great stress reliever for men. And under this theory, if a man is in a state of mind where he is stressed out and is looking for a release, masturbation or pornography serves this purpose.

 

As a wife, I immediately think of alternatives. And the most obvious alternative is for the husband to discuss how he is feeling with his wife. Discussing the stressor or issue is very much a woman’s way of relieving stress – by talking about the issue. According to Dr. Goulson, talking about the stressor does not relieve the man of the stress he is feeling.

 

In his theory, Dr. Goulson uses a key word, “moderation”. His assertion is that masturbation or pornography in MODERATION have probably saved more marriages than they have hurt.  There is an extreme called addiction. A pornography addiction is very different from the occasional release found in masturbation or pornography.

 

How would a husband [or wife] know that they are addicted to porn? The following are some early signs of a porn addiction:

  • Isolation – the person is not as social as they used to be.
  • Lack sexual interest or is sexually unresponsive.
  • Unusual demands – the person is demanding things or doing things they normally would not do.
  • Person has become distant.
  • Person spends a lot of time on the internet.
  • Person criticizes their partner’s appearance.

 

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How does a wife deal with a porn addicted spouse? According to author Joe Zychik, the wife should not take on the husband’s burden. The husband must overcome the addiction; be realistic, some addictions are overcome quickly and others are not; give your husband credit for his successes; and don’t blame yourself for his addiction. Additional resources can be found at, http://www.sexualcontrol.com/index.php.

 

The word of God says in Hebrews 13:4 (KJV) “Marriage is honourable in all, and the bed undefiled: but whoremongers and adulterers God will judge.” Another scripture for meditation is 1 Corinthians 6:18 (NIV), “Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a person commits are outside the body, but whoever sins sexually, sins against their own body.” God is definitely concerned with what we do with our bodies. If you or someone you love has some sort of sex addiction, there are organizations set-up to help individuals. Additional resources are listed below.

 

Additional Resources:

http://saa-recovery.org/

http://www.sexaddict.com/

http://www.sexualcontrol.com/

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