“MY HUSBAND IS ADDICTED TO PORN!”
The topic of “porn” can be a difficult and embarrassing one to discuss in a marriage. My research of porn addiction and its affect on marriages was interesting to say the least.
First of all, the definition of pornography is defined as obscene writings, drawings, photographs, or the like, especially those having little or no artistic merit. The World English dictionary further defines pornography as writings, pictures, films, etc, designed to stimulate sexual excitement; or the production of such material.
Former on-line therapist, Dr. Mark Goulson contends that there are two kinds of sex: 1) sex with love and 2) sex just for sex’s sake. He further asserts that many husbands feel guilty about having sex just for sex’s sake with their wives, because they feel like they are using her as a thing versus making love to the person they love. Therefore, instead of using their wife as a thing, some men use pornography and masturbation to fulfill that need. His stance is that pornography and masturbation in moderation have probably saved more marriages than they have hurt.
Say what! Yes Dr. Goulson said it, “pornography and masturbation in moderation have probably saved more marriages than they have hurt. Many wives would probably disagree with Dr. Goulson, however he asserts that an orgasm is a great stress reliever for men. And under this theory, if a man is in a state of mind where he is stressed out and is looking for a release, masturbation or pornography serves this purpose.
As a wife, I immediately think of alternatives. And the most obvious alternative is for the husband to discuss how he is feeling with his wife. Discussing the stressor or issue is very much a woman’s way of relieving stress – by talking about the issue. According to Dr. Goulson, talking about the stressor does not relieve the man of the stress he is feeling.
In his theory, Dr. Goulson uses a key word, “moderation”. His assertion is that masturbation or pornography in MODERATION have probably saved more marriages than they have hurt. There is an extreme called addiction. A pornography addiction is very different from the occasional release found in masturbation or pornography.
How would a husband [or wife] know that they are addicted to porn? The following are some early signs of a porn addiction:
- Isolation – the person is not as social as they used to be.
- Lack sexual interest or is sexually unresponsive.
- Unusual demands – the person is demanding things or doing things they normally would not do.
- Person has become distant.
- Person spends a lot of time on the internet.
- Person criticizes their partner’s appearance.
How does a wife deal with a porn addicted spouse? According to author Joe Zychik, the wife should not take on the husband’s burden. The husband must overcome the addiction; be realistic, some addictions are overcome quickly and others are not; give your husband credit for his successes; and don’t blame yourself for his addiction. Additional resources can be found at, http://www.sexualcontrol.com/index.php.
The word of God says in Hebrews 13:4 (KJV) “Marriage is honourable in all, and the bed undefiled: but whoremongers and adulterers God will judge.” Another scripture for meditation is 1 Corinthians 6:18 (NIV), “Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a person commits are outside the body, but whoever sins sexually, sins against their own body.” God is definitely concerned with what we do with our bodies. If you or someone you love has some sort of sex addiction, there are organizations set-up to help individuals. Additional resources are listed below.
Additional Resources:
Real Talk w/Terry 
What a brave young woman you are to discuss this topic. I am sure many couples deal with this problem. Since I can remember, men have had pornography available – they had to buy it in the form of a magazine though. The internet has it’s good points but pornography availability isn’t one of them. Humans are creatures of habit/addiction. Women feel so differently about it than men. Women take it personally…as a flaw in themselves. I flat out told my husband it bothered me for several reasons. Hate to see young women or men on display. It’s such a personal thing to me. It does become addictive and then ULTIMATELY can lead to “trying” other things and people! It is destructive to relationships. Maybe that is why my mama said, “Be a lady in the parlor, and
a whore in the bedroom. If it’s “right” with a woman – believe me, there will be days and years or regret to come…..I speak from experience, not just words. You did a great job on this difficult post. I also like the Bible verse, 2nd Peter 2:19 “…for a man is a slave to whatever controls him.” You’d better believe it’s caused more divorces than helped marriages.
Hi Marsha! Thanks for the feedback. I did not clarify in my post that this is not my personal situation – it does not pertain to my huband, but someone else I know. I realize now my title is misleading.
You are exactly right, there is a lot of bravery involved for a wife to even discuss this topic – especially since the topic of pornagraphy, masturbation and sex addiction is a highly embarassing topic of discussion for most. Despite this I wanted to put it out there and get dialogue started.
Thanks again for your response! 🙂
So glad! You have courage to post this, and I give you accolades. It is a big problem! Have a great day.
Thanks for posting about this issue that has destroyed so many marriages- mine included. My former husband kept his “secret life” separate from our family and I was completely unaware until he told me- 14 years and 2 children into our relationship.
I have to disagree with Marsha’s comment that somehow following the adage “Be a lady in the parlor, and a whore in the bedroom” will insulate your marriage and keep this addiction at bay. My ex’s trouble with porn started when he was a pre-teen and shaped who he was, long before I met him.
Once I learned about his addiction I tried to get him help and be his biggest supporter, then when he continued to lie and ultimately put me at risk, I followed him into the pit for awhile hoping I could lead him out and back to our family. All to no avail. In the end, it was up to him to get real and face the biggest challenge of his life- I didn’t cause it, make it worse or better, and I couldn’t cure it. Eventually, the most loving thing I could do for all of us was to leave him.
From the outside, it can appear as if we know what “causes” this in a marriage. I assure you, it can and does happen to all types of families and couples and women many times blame ourselves for not being enough. Sex and porn addiction isn’t about sex. At it’s root is the same void as all other addictions. It is just more socially acceptable to blame the partner in this case, which continues to keep women feeling ashamed and afraid to speak up.
Thank you again Terry for opening up the discussion. For anyone interested in continuing an open discussion of porn and sex addiction, feel free to visit my blog.
Thank you for sharing your story. My hope is that everyone sharing will create even more dialogue about this issue and encourage someone else along the way.
Great article!
Thank you for sharing this. I am a spouses of a porn addict and I feel so depressed and alone.
Thanks for your response. Please refer to the links provided at the end of the blog for additional resources and support. My prayers are with you.
Ladies, keep in mind that actions speak louder than words. If your husband is not working a recovery program, seeing a therapist for their addiction(s), and practicing rigerous honesty, chances are, they are not recovering. I run a Christ-centered sexual purity support and recovery group and the men that come to the meetings, work their recovery, program, and practice rigerous honesty are those that are doing whatever it takes to heal from this disease first, then whatever they can to save their marriage second! A man that is in recovery only to save his marriage will fail, each and every time.
Well done, Terry! Our pastor just taught on this topic, and he mentioned another resource — XXX Church. Also, I just read a book that dealt with this in an amazing way. It’s a Christian novel, and I couldn’t put it down! The Lights on 10th Street, by Shaunti Feldhan. It deals with addiction to pornography, strip clubs (including the young women who are pulled into this lifestyle), and a couple’s struggle to overcome, with grace and a good dose of reality and what it takes to become free. I highly recommmend it. It was just like God to put this sermon and then book in front of me just days before a serious conversation with a close friend. 🙂
Great information Kiara! Thanks for sharing!!
My husband is addicted to porn! We are newlyweds and have been dating for 5 years. The sad part is that we are only in our twenties! And we are going through this problem! I don’t know what to do. I wouldn’t really have a problem if my husband would have sex with me but he doesn’t he never wants to! I cabt remember the last time we had sex! He is never in the mood but he is always in the mood to watch porn! I am starting to think I maid I mistake and then problem is only going to get worse! We have been dating for 5 years and after year one is when we stopped having sex on a weekly basis!! I need help! Please
Hi Jessica,
I’m so sorry you are experiencing this in your marriage. At the end of the blog I offer some websites that offer great support. Additionally, you might want to join a support group in your area. Best wishes!