Tis the Season to Be Jolly
Several years ago, I had the opportunity to work the switch board at a hospital during the holiday season and witnessed the number of attempted suicides peak during the Thanksgiving and Christmas holiday season. This is the time of the year when many people find themselves feeling sad and depressed instead of being jolly and full of cheer. Some because they have lost close loved ones to death and the holidays are just not what they used to be, then there are those who are divorced and struggle with loneliness during this time of the year and others because the holiday season brings back memories of too many family gatherings that went wrong. Then add in the financial stress that many families are feeling right now and understandably so, the holidays can be a time of loneliness, stress and anxiety for many.
If you’re finding that you are beginning to feel sad, depressed or lonely I have a few suggestions to help you get through the holidays:
- First and foremost, spend within your means; the joy of Christmas should not be overshadowed by overspending then stressing about credit card debt,
- If you have children, start your own family traditions (i.e. pick out a tree together and decorate, prepare dinner/desserts together, volunteer as a family),
- If you are single (or a widower), get together with other singles (widows) and have a potluck,
- Volunteer at a local food bank or shelter,
- Get out of the house at night, and drive around town admiring the Christmas lights and decorations,
- Go on an exotic vacation or trip out of the country, especially if you don’t want to be a part of the commercialization of Christmas, or
- On Thanksgiving or Christmas Day go to a sporting event.
The holiday season should be a joyous occasion that should not be met with stress, anxiety, or loneliness; the focus should be about giving, not receiving. If you find that you are feeling sad, lonely or depressed take some time and focus on someone else. More importantly focus more on what you do have instead of what you do not have. Happy Holidays!
COMMUNICATION IN MARRIAGE
There is clearly a blessing in being able to effectively communicate and being on one accord with your spouse. So much so that in the bible in Genesis 11:5-8, the people of the land communicated using the same language began to build a tower that would reach to the heavens. Their actions resulted in God confusing the language, because nothing would be impossible to them who speak on one accord.
Communication in marriage or lack thereof has been cited for years as one of the primary reasons for divorce. Being able to effectively communicate your thoughts and feelings to your spouse is not only necessary to make a marriage work, but essential to maintain a harmonious household. Furthermore, good communication skills are necessary in every aspect of life.
For those who have issues communicating with your spouse whether it be difficulty expressing your thoughts or difficulty being a good listener there are some things you can do to become a better communicator. Listed below are a few tips to effectively communicating with your spouse:
- Take time each day to talk to each other.
- Openly talk to the other person, and actively listen.
- Express feelings without getting angry.
- Don’t be mean.
- Don’t give advice, unless asked for it.
- Watch your tone of voice.
- Don’t jump to conclusions.
- Don’t interrupt.
In closing remember that “Pleasant words are like a honeycomb, sweetness to the soul and health to the bones.” Proverbs 16:24 (NKJV)
Kim K’s 20.5 kt Wedding Ring
There has been much talk since Kim Kardashian announced that she had filed for divorce from her husband Kris Humphries after only 72 days of marriage. Most of the gossip has been about her lavish 20.5-carat wedding ring which is a 16.5-carat emerald cut center stone set between two 2-carat trapezoids. Considering the short duration of the marriage and the cost of the ring, should she give the ring back? Is it right that she keeps the ring after only 72 days of marriage?
The line tends to be pretty clear concerning the etiquette of giving back an engagement ring if the bride or groom-to-be calls off the wedding, however, the water gets muddy in a situation where the wedding actually happens, but the marriage is short lived as in the Kardashian situation. Many are saying she should give the ring AND her wedding gifts back.
Regarding the engagement ring, apparently there is a prenuptial agreement between Kim K. and Kris Humphries; if Kim wants to keep the ring – sounds like she does – she will have to pay Kris the original purchase price, a reported $2 million. As for the wedding gifts, Kim K. has reportedly donated their gifts to the Dream Foundation, a charity which grants wishes to terminally ill adults. This donation unbeknownst to Kris … the marriage really was over before it even started!
Is It Ever Okay to Lie in A Marriage?
I recently had a discussion with someone who has the belief that ALL relationships have some measure of deceit. I asked the person why they felt that way; they explained that after reflecting on past relationships of their own and observing the failed relationships of others, came this conclusion. I don’t agree with this stance that ALL relationships are deceitful. The act or practice of deceiving is defined as concealment or distortion of the truth for the purpose of misleading; duplicity; fraud; or cheating. So to say that ALL relationships are deceitful is a strong statement. This conversation did give me food for thought for this blog and that is – is it ever okay to lie in a marriage? If so, when?
There is research that shows that the average person lies at least two times per day – that is if they are telling the truth about how often they lie (smile). Experts on the subject assert that a little “white lie” here and there is not harmful if the intent is not to save the person telling the white lie. For example, many parents tell their children that there is a Santa Claus, Easter Bunny, and/or Tooth Fairy – these are all lies, but the intent is not to save the person telling the lie therefore no harm, no foul. A researcher shared a much deeper example such as, what if you were in Germany and the Nazis came knocking at your door and asked if you were hiding Jews, you answer, “no I’m not” when you really are. In this example, most everyone would agree that this blatant lie is okay considering the situation and that you are saving someone else’s life.
As it relates to marriage, most would agree that it is never okay to lie to your spouse although many do. How many times has a wife asked a husband, “honey does this dress make me look fat?” and the husband responds, “no” when he’s thinking otherwise. This could be considered a little white lie that is told to protect the feelings of the wife. On the other hand much deeper issues such as money, debt, and having an affair are issues in marriage where lying is
almost always detrimental to the marriage.
There appears to be two different thought processes regarding telling lies. The occasional white lie that is free from selfish motive is okay, however, lying about more serious issues is in a marriage or relationship is not acceptable. So, is it ever okay to lie in a marriage? If so, when? I want to hear from you.
Top 5 Reasons for a Divorce
A few months ago, my husband and I had the opportunity to teach a marriage enrichment class to the married and engaged couples at our church. My husband suggested that we cover communication in marriage and tasked me with researching the topic and starting the outline to our notes. After researching communication in marriage and starting our notes, I soon realized that our subject matter had greatly expanded. Not only did I cover the topic of communication in marriage, but I expanded it to include the top 3 reasons why people divorce, and one reason being communication issues.
After finishing our notes, I proudly emailed them to my husband for his review and input; he wanted to know how our topic had morphed from communication in marriage to the top 3 reasons for divorce in marriage. My explanation of how I incorporated the other material and expanded our topic didn’t quite convince him that I had correctly interpreted what he said – at this point we were working through our own little “miscommunication,” needless to say after much urging on my part, he understood my point and we
went forth with the top 3 reasons for divorce.
I recently revisited the top reasons why couple’s divorce and have listed the top five reasons for divorce as of 2009:
- Infidelity – topping the list was infidelity or unfaithfulness in the marriage. Most everyone has a theory on why spouses cheat, whatever the reason, infidelity is usually a deal breaker for the spouse who has been the victim of a cheating spouse. Despite this being the leading cause of divorces, there are many couples who seek out counseling, forgive and move on with their lives after an affair.
- Finances – financial difficulties and/or differences in spending and saving habits was the second most common reason cited for divorce. The present economic climate has put a lot of strain on marriages because there are many households where one or both spouses have either been laid off or one of the spouses may be underemployed.
- Communication – poor communication or lack thereof in a marriage has caused the demise of one too many marriages. Oftentimes, a husband and wife will have different communication styles, there is nothing wrong with this, however differing communication styles will take understanding from both partners to correctly interpret what is being said in a conversation. I once heard the saying, “what you don’t say, sometimes speaks louder than what you do say.” Remember silence can be golden or deadly!
- Incompatibility – some say opposites attract and perhaps this is a good thing for those who appreciate the difference in their spouse. However, incompatibility is not a trivial matter. There are some basics that every couple should agree on such as: money management, how they will raise their children, religious beliefs, and their career goals and aspirations.
- Physical, Sexual, Emotional Abuse – abuse in marriage is seldom talked about until it involves a celebrity and is in the national news. Sadly there are many women and some men who endure years of abuse in an attempt to make their marriage work. Without a strong commitment and desire to change from the abuser, the victim in many abuse situations walks away from the marriage.
Other popular reasons cited for a divorce in 2009 were gambling and substance abuse. In 2011, as evidenced by recent research regarding trends in divorce, social networking is making tracks considering it was not even on the list in 2009. We now know that social networking and Facebook is being cited as the cause for many divorces.
Suggested Sites:
http://www.acf.hhs.gov/healthymarriage/
HELP! I Married Mrs./Mr. Wrong
For most people their wedding day is one that they will never forgot. It doesn’t matter if there was some sort of mishap or if the day went off without a glitch, most have fond memories of the day they exchanged nuptials. For those of us who are married –and have been for any number of years – know that after every wedding comes a marriage.
For some couples their marriage has its share of ups and downs; for other couples they unfortunately realize sooner rather than later that they married Mrs./Mr. Wrong! We all know them, the people who were married for what some term a “hot minute.”
One such person that I spoke with who was married for one year, and knew her husband for one year prior to marrying, stated that she soon realized there were major issues in the marriage when he would not accept her children from a prior relationship. Her ex-husband made no effort at all to have a relationship with her children. For this person, not accepting her children was a deal breaker – she felt the marriage was not worth saving. Her advice to those desiring to be married is to seek God first, pray and meditate before marrying anyone.
My advice to anyone desiring to be married is to first of all work on becoming the best you that you can be, second as my interviewee stated seek God for direction and guidance, third keep your options open – sometimes what we need is not always what we want, and lastly during the dating phase of your relationship with anyone you are strongly considering marrying, use that time to collect data.
The dating period should be the time when you find out as much about a person as you can. Such as do you have the same views on religion, money, sex, child rearing, and career goals/aspirations. During this time nothing should be off limits for discussion. If a potential mate wants to continue delaying a particular topic, proceed with caution, this is a potential red flag.
My advice to those who are currently in a marriage and they feel as if they married the wrong person is to seek out marital counseling; bring in an unbiased third party to help you sort out your problems. Some marriages are not salvageable, however, there are many that are, this will mandate that both partners put their pride and egos aside and do what is best for their marriage in the long run.
In situations where a marriage can be saved, both partners must agree on the course of action they will take to make the marriage work.
Additional Resources:
http://www.counsel-search.com/resources.aspx
http://www.strongmarriagenow.com/FixYourMarriage/?gclid=CKu56J3m8asCFR5CgwodjmHRKA
FACEBOOK RUINED MY MARRIAGE
Recent research has shown that 20% of divorcees have listed “Facebook” or some other form of social networking as the reason for their divorce; counselors have also noted that an increasing number of couples seeking marital counseling have cited Facebook as a major problem in their relationship. A New Jersey pastor who has counseled more than 20 couples who say Facebook has caused problems in their marriage has asked his parishioners to either delete their Facebook accounts or create a family page; he also asked 50 married officials at his church to delete their Facebook account or resign.
Some feel as though social networking, Facebook in particular, does not ruin marriages – people ruin their own marriages. That whether there be a Facebook or not some people would cheat regardless – once a cheater, always a cheater.
I found several couples who blame their divorce and/or marital problems specifically on Facebook. One lady shared that her husband “friended” an ex-girlfriend from high school; and began having an affair with this woman. The wife found out about the affair after the husband cheated on and left the ex-girlfriend for someone else he had become friends with on Facebook. The couple is currently going through a divorce. A spouse cheating on their wife or husband with an ex-girl/boyfriend from high school has repeated itself more times than I care to mention. Then there is the gentleman who at the urging of his wife set-up a Facebook account and sent a friend request to his wife. The wife accepted the friend request, but blocked her friend list – the husband questioned this and the wife became very defensive refusing to unblock her friend list. The wife eventually deactivated her Facebook account. The husband now feels as if his wife was hiding something from him. And finally, there are those who excessively spend hours on the internet chatting or are on Facebook, neglecting their spouse. Many spouses expressed a concern that the excessive time that their spouse spends on Facebook could be spent with them.
After hearing of the problems these couples were having, I compiled a list of tips for married couples who use Facebook.
Facebook etiquette for married couples:
1) Do not friend an ex-girl/boyfriend.
This one seems like a no brainer. However, some people may feel as if there is no harm in Facebook friending a person they have dated – I caution against this, this seems to be the common thread shared by those spouses who learn of their partner’s infidelity connected to Facebook; the spouse befriended an old girl/boyfriend.
2) Do not feel obligated to friend everyone from your past. Some people are in your past for a reason; it’s okay to leave them there – don’t feel obligated to accept a friend request from someone in your past who you feel has no place in your present or future.
3) Do not friend people you don’t know.
Once again, this one seems like a no brainer, however, some people have/do friend people who they don’t know because they either share friends or have common interests. I again caution against this. You may friend them as a nice gesture not knowing what the person’s ulterior motives are – unfortunately some people use social networking sites such as Facebook as a breeding ground for finding companionship – you don’t want to be a target – there are some who could care less that a person is married.
4) Don’t flirt.
Never ever flirt with someone who is not your spouse. A little flirting here and there might seem meaningless to some – however, this is the door that has led to many affairs.
5) Allow your spouse full access to your Facebook page. In a marriage there should be full disclosure always. Even if you have nothing to hide, limiting your spouse’s access to your Facebook page just seems suspicious. I agree that there should be trust in a marriage, this goes both ways – your spouse should trust you enough to not care about having full access to your page and vice versa, and you should be open and honest enough to offer your spouse full access to your page.
6) Limit your time on Facebook. Be cognizant of the time you spend on the internet and Facebook. I have said more than once, a huge time waster is Facebook. If you find yourself complaining that you do not have enough time in the day to do what needs to be done, take a break from Facebook and observe how much time you might have to do other things.
I realize that there are still those who believe that Facebook and other social networking sites is not responsible for the demise of so many marriages, however, I say the proof is in the pudding which are the recent divorce decrees that specifically list “Facebook” as having caused and/or contributed to the reason for the divorce.
ATTENTION MEN: Don’t Marry A Career Woman!
http://www.businessweek.com/managing/content/mar2009/ca20090327_067541.htm
I recently read an Article, “Career Women at Midlife: Sicker and Sadder.” The article discussed one woman who at the peak of her career and personal life found herself in a state of unhappiness and unhealthiness. In her words, “life was becoming impossible and intolerable, …” The article also asserted that the last 50 years have afforded women greater opportunities, achievement, influence and more money. The down side, over the same time period, women have become less happy, in addition to being more anxious and stressed; consequently medicating
themselves as a result. 
Wow, that’s deep! In summary, the article basically asserted that with better education and opportunities, women have become less happy.
Reading this article conjured up memories of another article, “Don’t Marry Career Women” that I had read previously that was met with much criticism from career women. http://www.forbes.com/2006/08/23/Marriage-Careers-divorce_cx_mn_land.html
This article cited several studies that in summary stated that men who were married to career women, were more likely to have a bad marriage and get a divorce. Reasons being the career woman being more likely to cheat on her spouse and less likely to have children and if she does is more likely to be unhappy about having had children; that the career woman will be unhappy if she makes more money than her spouse; that her husband is more likely to fall ill and that the career woman’s house is more likely to be dirty. The article didn’t stop there – further research was cited that stated that career women who quit their jobs to stay at home with their children will
be unhappy.
To sum up the research that is out there concerning married career women, one would think being married to a career woman is a one way ticket to divorce court. I believe that the exact opposite is true; being married to a career
woman does not have to mimic anything that research studies have asserted. Married couples who have children and both partners work outside of the home must realize that any traditional thinking concerning chores and housekeeping will not work. When both partners work outside of the home, there must be mutual agreement on who will do what chores. Regarding the infidelity or cheating assumption, I do respect that research, however I do not fully agree with the results. There are many theories concerning what drives someone to cheat on their spouse – primary theory being that there is some sort of unmet need in the marriage and I’m unsure if there is any correlation between unmet needs and having a career; although I’m sure some would argue that career women may be absorbed by their job, kids, life and therefore put their spouse last perhaps prompting the husband to have an affair. However, knowing this the career woman must conscientiously decide that her husband is a priority always.
Additionally, the views concerning women and money and the husband being the primary bread winner have been debunked in recent years. With the past recession and sluggish economy, more men are finding themselves out of work or under employed and the wife is the primary bread winner. As a result more couples are now okay with women earning more than their spouse. http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/33196583/ns/business-careers/t/rising-number-women-earn-more-mates/
The last few decades have seen a record number of women obtain their degree and enter the workforce – that being said, men it will be quite a challenge to NOT marry a career woman. My advice to those men who harbor traditional views of marriage and a woman’s role in marriage is to reevaluate your thinking process and in short GET WITH THE TIMES! This is the 21st century and a woman’s expected place is no longer in the home barefeet and pregnant.
WHAT’S LOVE GOT TO DO WITH IT?
What do these women have in common: Taylor Armstrong, Rihanna, Nicole Brown Simpson, Tina Turner, Farah Fawcett, and maybe even you? If you follow celebrity news, you know the answer, domestic violence, because their relationship problems have been and regarding Taylor Armstrong is currently in the national news.
Domestic violence is an evil that does not discriminate; it crosses racial, economic, social and cultural boundaries.
Unfortunately many women suffer in silence and shame. I was motivated to write this blog as a result of the Nancy O’Dell interview with Taylor Armstrong, the Beverly Hills housewife who has come forward and is openly talking about the abuse she suffered at the hands of her now deceased husband. For those who follow the show, you know that her husband recently committed suicide. Taylor stated that she is telling her story because she wants to encourage other
victims of domestic abuse and let them know that they are not alone. Isolation is no friend of a victim of domestic violence – yet many victims often suffer in silence, are ashamed and alone; their friends and family not knowing that
they are even being abused.
One in four women (25%) has experienced domestic violence in her
lifetime.
(The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention and The National Institute
of Justice, Extent, Nature, and Consequences of Intimate Partner Violence, July
2000. The Commonwealth Fund, Health Concerns Across a Woman’s Lifespan: 1998
Survey of Women’s Health, 1999)
Domestic violence is a sensitive issue for me – I
have early memories of my own mother being the victim of an abusive
relationship. At the tender age of seven, I had the number to the local police
department memorized knowing that at any hour of the night or day, I may have
to call the police to come and restore peace in our house. I still have vivid
memories of many “morning afters” having to help my mom nurse her wounds
because she was too ashamed or too afraid to seek medical care. As a result of
the domestic violence that I witnessed at search an early age, a definite deal
breaker for me in a relationship is verbal, mental, and/or physical abuse.
In a national survey of American families, 50% of the men who frequently assaulted their
wives also frequently abused their children.
(Strauss, Murray A, Gelles, Richard J., and Smith, Christine. 1990.
Physical Violence in American Families; Risk Factors and Adaptations to
Violence in 8,145 Families. New Brunswick: Transaction Publishers)
For some women, domestic abuse is a relationship deal breaker; however there are many women who endure years of abuse. It’s easy for someone not in the same predicament of the abuse victim to say, “she should
just leave him;” this is much easier said than done. Walking away from an abusive relationship is never easy. Many victims of abuse stay in the relationship out of fear; fear of retaliation, fear of further harm or violence, perhaps
even fear of being alone. Many abuse victims are being controlled financially, and have been isolated from their family.
No woman should have to suffer in silence. There is
support for victims of domestic violence.
National Domestic Violence Hotline,
1-800-799-SAFE
Date Night ~ Not just a movie
I recently saw the movie Date Night starring Steve Carell and Tina Fey, as Phil and Claire Foster. They like so many other couples who have been married for a number of years have settled into married life with kids. They go to work, come home, have dinner, then off to bed. A wake up call for this couple is when they learn that another couple who they are friends with is in the process of separating because they have grown bored with each other. Afraid they may be going down the same road, the husband, Phil Foster wants a date night where they do something different, in his words, they wanted one night where they felt new.
The challenge for every couple that has been married for a significant amount of time is to not take date night for granted. This should be a time when the married couple forgets about everyday life and focus on each other. One rule my husband and I have concerning our date night is that we do not talk about household business/affairs including the kids. During our date night we talk about and focus on each other.
If you are consistently having a date night – similar to us, you may run out of things to do and have grown bored with the same old dinner and a movie. I did some research and have compiled a list of my favorite 25 things to do for a date night that veer away from the same ole same ole:
- Like the Fosters, if you live in the suburbs venture into the city for entertainment or if you live in the city, visit a quaint restaurant/attraction in the suburbs,
- Cook a romantic meal together at home complete with a table set for two,
- A slumber party for two, dinner in bed and each other for dessert,
- Visit a theme park together,
- A laser tag or paint ball excursion,
- Visit a local zoo, museum, or botanical gardens and hold hands,
- A picnic in the park and feed the ducks,
- Attend a concert together,
- Attend a wine tasting,
- Visit a dance club and dance the night away,
- Attend a poetry reading,
- Do a hot air balloon ride over the city,
- Do a couples massage,
- Dinner and then the planetarium,
- Brunch at a fancy restaurant and a matinee,
- Take a dinner cruise,
- Go to a happy hour,
- Attend a street fair and sample foods,
- Go skating at an ice skating rink,
- Go to an indoor climbing gym,
- Do a hayride,
- Try out a local bed and breakfast,
- Visit a pool hall and play pool,
- Hit balls at the golf driving range,
- Take a walk on the beach.
The list is endless, the list above are a few suggestions to keep date night interesting. Have fun!
Real Talk w/Terry 