Real Talk w/Terry

Before the Vows

A few days ago, I was watching an episode of Divorce Court where the judge did a segment called “Before the Vows”. The Judge said something to the young lady that caught my attention. She told her that before she gets married, she need to first of all find out who she is because once she is married, she will find herself self-absorbed in her husband – I am paraphrasing, but that is the gist of it. The Judge’s advice to this young lady was spot-on.

Judge Lynn TolerI’ve had the honor to speak to and meet women from all walks of life. I’m no longer amazed that regardless of race, socio-economic status, education or lack of, region, or religious background there are some things like relationship patterns that transcend these demographics and are strikingly similar. I have heard far too many women – who either married young or found themselves in a committed relationship at a young age express this sentiment – once they were older and wiser – how they somehow lost themselves in the relationship; and more often than not things that they loved or were once passionate about prior to the relationship became somewhat of an afterthought. This usually led to resentment or bitterness, especially if the relationship did not work out.

I reiterate the advice of Judge Lynn Toler to this young lady, that before you find yourself committed in a marriage first of all find out who you are: your likes/dislikes, passion, and career. Go into marriage fully informed of what you may be sacrificing for the one you love. Marriage is work, a constant sacrifice for the marriage and other person. Both husband and wife must be willing to sacrifice for each other – if the scale tilts either way, the other will feel slighted.


I love to reflect on Ephesians 5:22-33 which speaks of marriage and how the wife and husband should honor one another. The scripture reads, “22 For wives, this means submit to your husbands as to the Lord. 23 For a husband is the head of his wife as Christ is the head of the church. He is the Savior of his body, the church. 24 As the church submits to Christ, so you wives should submit to your husbands in everything.25 For husbands, this means love your wives, just as Christ loved the church. He gave up his life for her 26 to make her holy and clean, washed by the cleansing of God’s word. 27 He did this to present her to himself as a glorious church without a spot or wrinkle or any other blemish. Instead, she will be holy and without fault. 28 In the same way, husbands ought to love their wives as they love their own bodies. For a man who loves his wife actually shows love for himself. 29 No one hates his own body but feeds and cares for it, just as Christ cares for the church. 30 And we are members of his body. 31 As the Scriptures say, “A man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one. 32 This is a great mystery, but it is an illustration of the way Christ and the church are one. 33 So again I say, each man must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.”


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